Ingredients and supplies:

Seasoned Salt

Foil

A candle or seven

Ground Beef

Garlic Powder

Chicken Flavored Rice

Potatoes and Corn Free Wood

Handsaw

Preparation:

Remove five pounds of frozen ground beef from freezer. Saw in half with the hand saw. Return unused portion to freezer and place the larger portion in the microwave to defrost - mostly. Form the mostly defrosted meat into patties positioning any frozen chunks into the center and season the patties with garlic powder and seasoned salt. Flip patties and repeat seasoning. Next soak corn in water and poke wholes into the potatoes. Wrap both corn and potatoes in foil.

Building a fire: Use the proper wood.

Any type of wood is fine as long as it free. Bought wood is unacceptable and stupid. Small furniture is ideal but if the chair won’t fit, ditch the grill. Never, under any circumstance should you use lighter fluid or charcoal. They make the food taste funny, however do use varnished scrap wood. Nothing says home cooking like burnt varnish. Lighting without lighter fluid can be difficult. Several boxes of matches, two hours, and a few candles should do the trick. Once flames are big enough to singe your eyebrows if you come within in a six foot radius burn a few marshmallows with family and kids. This must be done before dinner. Done properly there will be no wood left after dinner.

Once you have filled up on burnt marshmallows it is time to toss the corn and potatoes into the coals. It is wise to use good stout foil. The vegetables will burn no matter what, the only question is how much? Once the corn and potatoes are in the fire, place the hamburgers on the grill. To achieve the desired black on the outside raw on the inside flavor, keep those flames high. Cook the chicken flavored rice in an electric skillet. Do not follow directions. In fact never follow directions while cooking or otherwise. Just add water till it looks about right and leave it until you smell it burning. It takes skill to tell the difference between burning corn, potatoes, rice and pork chops. Your friends will be wowed by your skills.

Every family has a certain level of dysfunction. What strange family recipes do you remember? They don't have to involve food.